The Lame Jokes Thread

[Tiger T]

I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent when it visited Cardiff. But, shockingly, I was turned down.
That's right, my signature 'balancing a Mars Bar on my head for ten minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell.
He said, "Sorry, but Osama Bin Laden's had a Bounty on his head for eight years."

[Tiger T]

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

[Saqs]

Originally Posted by gujar mark had always been a very hirsute individual and his silky, smooth body hair had always proved a stumbling block for him in his quest to socialise fully. He was convinced one day to come out to the local pub by his best friend dave. Upon them entering the pub, the barman remarked, 'who does that ape belong to?' 'he's not an ape, he's my friend and he has feelings!' shouts dave angrily. Those were the last words uttered by anyone present in the pub as an escaped gorilla mauled everyone in the building to death.

omg

[Saqs]

If you lay all your veins in your body side by side along the ground, you would die.

[Fireworks11]

Your teeth are so yellow the sun didn't come out today.

[Tiger T]

I received a bill in the post today from British Gas telling me that my last bill was outstanding.

So I rang them up to say thanks and when do I receive my certificate?

[pakistanalltheway]

Originally Posted by Tiger T I received a bill in the post today from British Gas telling me that my last bill was outstanding. So I rang them up to say thanks and when do I receive my certificate?

Haha good one lol

[Tiger T]

One day, a man was considering his life and said, 'i wish i could help people'. After much deliberation he decides to run for local parliament. Unexpectedly, he wins in a landslide victory. After a week on the job he has completely eradicated unemployment. He has decreased crime by 80% and improved the standard of living dramatically.

But he thinks to himself, 'I could do more for the world'. So he decides to run for state parliament. Once again, he wins by a hefty margin. So he gets to work, and within the month the entire state is out of the economic crisis, unemployment is at 0.5% and crime is at an all time low.

But still, he feels that it is not enough. By the years end he has become Prime-minister, Halfed the countries carbon footprint, lowered taxes, and created the highest standard of living in the entire world.

Now, he feels that he has helped his country enough, so he decides to retire, settle down, spend more time with his family.

One day, during his retirement, he decides to go to the pub for a well earned drink. Once there, he discovers across a huge line, and thinks to himself, 'you know, im pretty sure there is a bottle shop around the corner, ill go there instead'. So off he goes. As it happens, there is also a huge line there aswell. Now he is quite thirsty, he really would like a drink.

Getting impatient, he thinks, 'okay, a new place just opened up down the road that sells punch. It's relatively unheard of, so surely there wont be a line'. So he walks down the road, heads into the shop.

Turns out there's no punch line.

[ElRaja]

^^^ long jokes like that make ppl angry, lols

[Daniyal99]

When I hear different accents I think differents thing

When I hear an Australian accent I think of sport
When I hear an Italian accent I'm thinking food
When I hear an Indian accent I think I'm about to be put on hold -


Hahaha

Live at the Apollo

[Gujar]

Harold was running late for work one morning when he got stuck behind an old man on a narrow country road doing 40mph on a 50mph speed limit.

'I wish I was in front of this car,' he muttered to himself.

Out of nowhere a genie appeared.

'Your wish is my command!' he boomed.

By magic, Harold was suddenly in front of the car. He was killed seconds later as he was struck by the old man in his car. The genie had misunderstood his request and had only moved Harold ahead of traffic and not his vehicle.

[Tiger T]

Brilliant

[Tiger T]

As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you ok, sir?"

"My son would have been two today..." I sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," She replied, "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"He was born a day late," I replied, "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads."

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A priest had just placed some flowers on the graveof his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at agrave. The man seemed tobe praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The priest approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your privategrief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A Kenyan dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German helland asks, "What do they dohere?" He is told,"First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Kenyan hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay youon a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Kenyan devil comes in andwhips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells -why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all thenails from the bed, and the devil is a former goverment servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine.
The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.
"Listening to music," the guy says.
Pointing toward the lady inthe backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"
"Reading a magazine, of course."
"How old are you?" asks the officer.
"I'm 28."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watchand says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

Originally Posted by Tiger T As I knocked back drink after drink the concerned barmaid asked, "Are you ok, sir?" "My son would have been two today..." I sobbed. "Oh, I'm sorry," She replied, "Do you mind if I ask what happened?" "He was born a day late," I replied, "Now I've got to go to his stinking birthday party tomorrow instead of playing golf with the lads."

Belongs in funny jokes thread

[UmarAkmals-fan]

A drunkard enters a bus and realizes his
wallet went missing.
Drunkard: Somebody has stolen my wallet!
If I don’t find it, same thingthat happened
in 1978 will repeatitself today.
Passengers began to wonder and fear for their life. The pick-pocketer got so scared
and worriedly droped it on da floor where
it was found during ''frisking''.
The drunkard checked andall the contents
were still there.
A curious girl asked, “Sir, what happened in 1978?"
.
.
.
.
.
Drunkard: Somebody had picked my wallet
and I had to walk all the way home.

[pakistanalltheway]

^^what happened in 1978 ^^

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

Chelsea fans have agreed to sign a contract extension with the club after the Champions League victory. They had been strongly linked with a move to Manchester City.

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

Why did Stewart Downing cross the road?

He didn't; he can't cross that either.

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

What do you call a Manchester City fan?

An ex Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea fan.

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

There are now 5 Liverpool players in the England squad, more than any other team. And people why are England ****?

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

I think Owen Hargreaves deserves a pat on the back for his work at Man City. Not too hard though, he might get injured.

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

Owen Hargreaves was all set to sign a new deal with Man City but when handed the paper, he got a REALLY nasty paper cut and was sidelined for 8 weeks, which is when City lost patience.

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

It's a good job pets can't talk. They've seen way too much.

[Chicharito14Hernandez]

Advert says: Domino's pizza - NOW MADE WITH REAL CHEESE!

Can anyone tell me what the heck I was eating before?

[Tiger T]

I saw a man commit suicide by jumping off a building. He died instantly when his body smashed into the pavement.

"What a tragic waste of a life," I thought, as I noticed a passing parking attendant.

[W63L35]

Biviyan Aati hain, HEER ki tarha.
Meethi hoti hain, KHEER ki tarha.
Namkeen hoti hain, PANEER ki tarh
Aur Phir Kuch Maah Baad ...

Chubhti hain, TEER ki tarha.
Hukm Chalati hyn, Peer ki Tarha.
Waadey krti hyn kisi, Wazeer ki tarha
Kar deti hain haal, FAQEER ki tarha.
Nazar rakhti hain, Express k Shabbeer ki tarah.
aur Phir
Shohar k haathon MAARI jati hain, BE-NAZIR Ki Tarah......!

[DRS]

1 American karachi aya.
Woh taxi ma betha jis ka driver pathan tha.
American:Ye Qaid -e- Azam ka mazar kitney din mai bana hai,

pathan: 1 maah mai,

American: Ye humarey mulk mai to 2 weeks mai ban jata hai

Thora agy jane k bad phir Poucha: Ye state life building kitny din mai bani hai?

pthan: Sirf 2 weeks mai

American: Humary mulk mai to 3 days mai ban jati hai.

Habib bank plaza k pas sey guzry to American ne poucha: Ye bulding kitney din mai bani hai?

Pathan Pata nhi subha to nhi the :p

[in_cutter]

Bought a jar of salad cream yesterday, on getting home, I read the sell by date.... 21-12-12...guess it must be Mayannaise.......

[FusedBulb]

Originally Posted by W63L35 Biviyan Aati hain, HEER ki tarha. Meethi hoti hain, KHEER ki tarha. Namkeen hoti hain, PANEER ki tarh Aur Phir Kuch Maah Baad ... Chubhti hain, TEER ki tarha. Hukm Chalati hyn, Peer ki Tarha. Waadey krti hyn kisi, Wazeer ki tarha Kar deti hain haal, FAQEER ki tarha. Nazar rakhti hain, Express k Shabbeer ki tarah. aur Phir Shohar k haathon MAARI jati hain, BE-NAZIR Ki Tarah......!

^^
Good one.


For Karachiites

Kaisay Bataoon Key Tum Meri Kaun Hoo
Walls Ki Ice Cream Ho Polka Ki cone Ho,
Kesey Bataoon Key Tum Poorani Dheet Ho
Aik Bohat Bari Phateek Ho ,
Tum Orangi Tum, Korangi Tumhe Ho Meri Nagan Chowrangi
Liyari Ki Tum Football Ho, Kimari Ka Tum Bund Ho,
Manora Ki Tum Thand Ho,
Tum Kharadar, Tumhe Methadar, Tumhe Meray Liye Goolimar Ho,
Tumhe Meri Kurti Aur Shalwar Ho ,
Tumhe Gutka, Tumhe Menpoori, Tumhe Mix Patti Ka Pan Ho,
Kaisey Bataon Tumhay Key Tum Meri Koon Ho,
Lalookhait Main Rehti Ho , Khud Ko Defence Ka Kheti Ho,
Lambi Lambi Chorti Ho , Hamesha Sey Khowar Karte Ho ,
Sardi Ka Bhokhar Ho, Shikarpur Ka Achar Ho, Peshawar Ki Naswar Ho,
Aur PIA ka Jahaz Ho, Jo Kabhi Waqt Par Nahi Milti Woh Parwaz Ho ,
Jo Hamesha Short Rehti Hai Wo Piyazzz Ho ,
Mahengai Kay Is Dor Mey Sawa Rupey Ki Niyaz Ho ,
Aur Mera Tum Aghaz Ho, Aur Mera Anjam Ho,
Mera Public Evening Special Ho, Mera Parcham, Mera Awaam Ho ,
Tumhe Jurat, Tumhe Ummat, Tumhe Jasarat, Tumhe Nowaey Waqt Ho
Mera Jang Tum Ho, Mera Aman Tum Ho,
The News Ho Ya Dawn Ho, Kesey Batao Key Tum Meri Kon Ho ,
Key Main Rokta Bus Tum Ko Hoon, Main Tookta Bus Tum Ko Hooon,
Tumhe Mera Kal Theen, Tumhe Mera Aaj Bhi Ho ,
Tumhe Marshal law, Tumhe Jamhoriat, Tumhe Governer Raj Ho ,
Tumhe Meri TT ,Tumhe Mera Repeater, Tumhe Mera Rokket Lunchar Ho ,
Tumhe Meri Soch Ho, Meray Paaon Ki Moch Ho, Aur 9 Rupee Wali coach Ho,
Tumhe Mera Vespa, Tumhe Mera Raksha, Tumhe Mere Taxi Ho,
Tumhe Tu Mere Mazda Ho, Tumhe Mera Truck Ho,
Mera Troller Ho ,Meri Honda 50, Aur Meri 70 Ho,
Lahore Ka Tanga Ho, Sukhur Ki Suzuki Ho,
Aur Kya Bataoon Meri Jaan Tum Meray Liya Kya Ho
Arey Tum Tu Pora PAKISTAN Ho, Karachi Ki Jaan Ho,
Kaisay Bataoon Key Tum Meray Liye Koon Ho

[Tiger T]

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

[Javelin]

An Eskimo asked the local missionary priest: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell ?' 'No', said the priest, 'not if you did not know'. 'Then why', asked the Eskimo earnestly, 'did you tell me?'."

[DHONI183]

What do the Indians call our poster W63L35?

W35L63.

[Indiafan]

Originally Posted by DHONI183 What do the Indians call our poster W63L35? W35L63.

Should be W0L10000000 if you consider the number of arguments/debates he has been in on PP

[MRSN]

Why Is A Calendar So Sad?

Because Its Days Are Numbered.

[MRSN]

A man on the street meets another guy and ask, "Excuse me sir, you know what time it is?" and the fella stops and replies, "Yes, I know" and starts walking again..

[MRSN]

What do a cat and a mouse in the rain?


take Rain bath...

[MRSN]

What did one wall say to the other?

"Meet you at the corner"...

[Supporter of Pak legends]

What did Delaware?

I don't know, Alaska!

[leatherface58]

Two statisticians go bird hunting. The first one fires at the bird but overshoots by 5 feet. The second one fires and undershoots the bird by 5 feet. They both give each other a high-five and say "Got it!".

[Tiger T]

Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest woman I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're hideous."

[HamzaSaeen]

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. (7,8,9). As lame as it gets.

[B@$!T]

why are there gates around the cemetery

...

because people are dying to get in

[Moh@n]

Originally Posted by chaiwala Asian lady to bank teller: "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two huned dolla fo yen. Today I get huned eighty?? Why it change?" Teller "Fluctuations". Asian lady, "Fluc you white people, too"

Oh lord !!!

I think I cramped my stomach. Damn you dude, bloody damn you.

[Saqs]

Originally Posted by Tiger T Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant and you died.

wow.